You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Imma just leave this here…………
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Day 2 of my diet
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.