After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Well, this explains it:
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️