COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”