A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
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My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.