People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Tell me you get it…🤣
No selfies while hijacking a train.
How dude HOW?!
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Are you ok, human???
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever