“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
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“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.