(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.