Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me too 😆
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”