Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far