You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
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thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*