Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
The fall of Netflix
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
me refusing to leave twitter
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil