It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what