My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
You Might Also Like
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I’m having an out of money experience.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.