Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.