My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard