Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Passwords are more important than ever.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?