Delightful if true: booby trap.
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Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Breaking news:
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My last name is Zilla.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!