I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.