[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
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Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Effort made
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away