If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.