everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You Might Also Like
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“We will wed,” I threatened
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.