That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
You Might Also Like
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
No, I don’t think I will.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.