Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
#parenting
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
<- sleeps well with others
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.