“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
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Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
A little too much information.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.