Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
What flavor cupcake are these
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Huge, if true.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.