What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
They’re stuck in your pants?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle