I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
You Might Also Like
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease