17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
who wore it better?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.