Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years