*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.