Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex