I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
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As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …