*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
It’s an epidemic…