me when i see my girls butt
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
notice
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.