If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
You Might Also Like
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Why am I like this?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Inside you there are two wolves
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.