Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Encore…
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.