I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”