The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name