FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
yeah 😭
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day