before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
relationship goals
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real