hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other