Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
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“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.