Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
You Might Also Like
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
What
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Um … Hot Wings please
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
good morning
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim