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Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.