All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days