When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
This is my emotional support knife.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something