I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
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I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
meow
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Meow
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes