Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
no cat here
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?