If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.