Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I love it all
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?